Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a Moment.

We often talk about forgiveness as if it’s a single act, something we decide to do and then move on from. “Just forgive and forget,” people say, as if it were that simple. But anyone who has truly been hurt, deeply, unfairly, or repeatedly,  knows that forgiveness is not a quick decision. It’s a journey. Forgiveness is not a switch we flip. It’s a process, one that takes time, reflection, and a willingness to heal, often again and again. As a therapist, I have sat with people carrying all kinds of pain: betrayal, rejection, abuse, abandonment, and disappointment. What they often share is not just the story of what happened, but the heavy burden of what the y are still holding on to. Forgiveness does not erase the past, nor does it mean excusing harm. It means learning how to live without being defined or consumed by it.

We live in a culture that loves closure, quick fixes and happy endings. We like to believe that forgiveness should come easily because it sounds noble and “right.” But the truth is, genuine forgiveness can be messy. It does not happen in one conversation, one apology, or one decision. It unfolds in layers, like peeling back protective armour we have built to survive the hurt. Sometimes people feel guilty because they thought they had forgiven someone, but then an old memory or feeling resurfaces. They ask, “Does this mean I didn’t really forgive?” No, it means you are human. Healing does not move in a straight line. Even when forgiveness begins, the pain may echo for a while. That does not erase your progress; it simply reminds you that wounds take time to close. Forgiveness is less about forgetting the pain and more about loosening its grip.

One of the most important parts of the process is understanding what forgiveness really means. Many people resist it because they misunderstand it.

• Choosing to release resentment, so it no longer controls your life.

• A gradual shift from pain to peace.

• A gift you give yourself, not necessarily the other person.

• A sign of strength, not weakness.

Sometimes, forgiveness happens without reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still choose not to let them back into your life. Forgiveness is about freedom, not necessarily reconnection. Pain leaves deep emotional imprints. When we are hurt, our mind and body go into protection mode, anger, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal. These are normal responses meant to keep us safe. But over time, they can harden into bitterness or mistrust if we never release them. That’s where forgiveness becomes essential, not for the person who hurt us, but for ourselves. Still, we ca not rush to forgiveness without honouring our pain first. You can not heal what you refuse to feel. The process often unfolds in stages:

1. Acknowledgment:
   You recognise what happened and allow yourself to feel the hurt without minimising it.

2. Processing:
   You explore the emotions, anger, grief, confusion, that come with the pain. This is where therapy, journaling, or talking with someone you trust can help.

3. Understanding:
   You begin to see the bigger picture, not to excuse the harm, but to understand the humanity (or brokenness) behind it.

4. Letting Go:
   Gradually, you release the resentment that’s been keeping you stuck. You stop replaying the story in your mind and start reclaiming your peace.

This process is not linear. You may move back and forth between stages, and that is okay. Every step counts. When we hold on to resentment, we think we are protecting ourselves from more pain. But what we are really doing is carrying the past into the present. Anger can feel powerful, but over time, it becomes exhausting. It takes emotional energy to stay angry,  energy that could be spent on healing, joy, and growth. Forgiveness does not mean the wound never mattered. It means you no longer want it to control the rest of your story. As one of my clients once said beautifully, “I realised forgiveness wasn’t for them. It was how I finally set myself free.”

We often focus on forgiving others, but self-forgiveness can be just as hard, sometimes harder. Many people carry shame over mistakes, regrets, or things they wish they’d done differently. They replay moments in their minds, unable to let go. But guilt that lingers too long becomes self-punishment, not accountability. Forgiving yourself is an act of compassion. It means recognising that you did the best you could with the knowledge and strength you had at the time. It’s not about denying responsibility, but about allowing yourself to grow instead of staying stuck in blame. If you are struggling to forgive yourself, try speaking to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love. You deserve the same grace you would offer to others.

Forgiveness is not a one-time achievement, it’s something we practice throughout our lives. Every time we let go of resentment, choose empathy, or free ourselves from bitterness, we strengthen that muscle. There will be days when the pain feels fresh again. When that happens, it does not mean you have failed, it simply means your heart is still healing. In those moments, return to gentleness. Breathe. Remind yourself that forgiveness is a process. You are allowed to take your time.

Final Thoughts

Forgiveness does not always come with closure or apology. It may not even come with understanding. But when you choose to walk toward it, even slowly, you reclaim your peace. You learn that healing is not about erasing the past, it’s about freeing yourself from it. Forgiveness is not a moment of surrender; it’s a gradual act of courage. It’s how we take back our power, release the weight of pain, and make space for peace to live again. Because in the end, forgiveness isn’t something you do once, it’s something you become.